Subsequently, I placed even more effort into training - sacrificing my Term 1 results in Secondary 3. In Term 2, I managed to maintain a balance between the two, and I placed in effort in entirety during the June holidays, only to be told my juniors overtook me, and I was not the best for the job. Even worse, I fell down - and I still remembered the date, 23 June 2008 (the first day of term 3) - and this, once again, took yet another tool on my results, not being able to write for nuts. Needless to say, I failed my Secondary 3, and had to take the re-examination. I finally went back to train in the middle of November, and thanks to my injury, which manifested itself as a nerve/ligament/tendon injury (the doctors are unsure, but they suspect it is a tendon or ligament, yet we cannot rule out the nerve), I could not not write much for nuts. My results suffered even more as a result, until luring the beginning of Term 3, one week after my grandfather's death, Dr. Hon called me up, and he suggested me dropping chemistry. My parents took 2 weeks to consider, but I knew I had made my decision. I was not going to be Science student, that was decided by the end of Secondary 2. "Drop Chemistry" was the term surrounding my that particular decision.

Yet again, I was prevented from training, forbidden to go back to training until after the GCE 'O' Levels High Chinese Paper, and after THIMUN (working as an admin staff - of which I nicely attained a fever during that period). The date was the 25th of November, and I continued training into the December holidays, juggling between Track and OM (Odyssey of the Mind) - I never could have placed my 100% into anything. Through orientation, I was able to train, but when my timetable came out, alas! I could not train, for the timings clashed with my timetable.

Thus, back to the track. I had crossed the 1.75m mark (1cm below my previous personal best) and now was 1.80m. The odds were all against me. I had only trained once in the past two months. I was the shortest of all 15-or-so competitors, and high jump is a sport where your height affects how high you can jump. I had the emotional baggage of failure at the exact same spot, three years ago. The entire school was watching me. My friends from other schools knew I was jumping. Ah, heck. I ran, I did not cross.

But I had a second attempt. All these went through my mind as I drank the last sip of Red Bull.

"Competitor Number 2-7-6! Second attempt!"

My senior whacked me on the back, and said, "You better f***ing cross this. Do your best!" And with grace silence, I nodded and walked out. Everything was running through my brain. I had a lifetime's worth of setbacks, some controllable, for the lot of the rest, not. "Nicholas," I told myself, "Today's your last chance. Just cross that bloody height." I lifted my eyes to the heavens, and the school held their breath as I started running. As I entered into the last step, all the thoughts of failure vanquished, and the moment was crystal clear in my mind. Every ounce of energy, every sweat, every determination, was placed into the strength of thighs as I lifted myself up, and off the ground. I saw my head cross the pole, but I was unsure, and I kicked my legs back through to my body. The bar did not shake. The bar did not drop. Yet it did not register in my head. Hwa Chong screamed her song of exhilaration, and it finally kicked in. I flipped myself into the standing position and screamed. It was as if my whole life had led to this moment.

I am a failure no longer.

Today is a day of many firsts. Thank you.

It's for you to guess.

And this is going to be a quote-worthy post, as it going to orientation tomorrow!

(OG4 FTW!)
Imagine standing at the lectern, and reading out the reading at your grandfather's funeral.
Imagine placing out a big and good front in front of the rest of the congregration.
Imagine staring the audience in the face, and telling them it's going to be okay, it's going to be reassuring for the family to know that of which there is life after death.
Imagine telling them that you believe that there is a God, and telling everyone that he will save your grandfather, when you have no certainty that he will go to heaven.
Imagine looking from the lectern, reading the readings, when all you notice is the white coffin in the middle of the main aisle.
Imagine you have to make a speech to a crowd, and they listen to you attentively, but you are the only one not listening.
Imagine the one person you wish to see you make that speech, read that extract of the bible, and that person will remain silent forever, and never will praise you for whatever you have done.
Imagine the one person you made a speech for, and that person will never be able to hear it, never be moved by it.
Imagine feeling empty reading a hopeful piece of artwork.
Imagine spreading your love to someone who isn't there.
Imagine reading with vigor, but your heart remains empty, and spent.
Imagine feeling tired before you stand up at the lectern to read those readings.
Imagine just standing up there, making a speech, when all that's going through your mind is that, "I'm sorry."
Imagine wanting to stand at a podium and cry instead of delivering your speech.
Imagine wanting to stare at the crowd whose eyes are transfixed upon you, and you wanted to scream at them, you want to scream into every single face, saying, "Stop looking at me with your pitiful stares! You know nothing of how I feel!"
Imagine making a speech, just for only one audience.
Imagine reading those readings, and the meaning of it is nothingness to you, unless you could bring him back up.
Imagine happiness vanquishing away with each word uttered through the microphone stashed in front of your face.
Imagine your mind split from your soul. It does the daily things required by a person, yet you feel as if your presence is not there, it wants to be somewhere else.
Imagine accepting the reality that of which the someone in the white box is never going to sit up again, yet wanting him to do the exact same thing.
Imagine brimming with hope, yet extinguished even further with each word.
Imagine sending a different message with a speech, but only one member of the audience would understand.
Imagine taking a whole speech to mean, "I am sorry."
Imagine being really sorry.

What is up today for me

And I look into the sky

Seeing bright colours in my eyes

Green and green, they match the scene

Many red cars, they zoom by me

A slap in the back and I wake up from my dream

I turn behind, well, Golly!

Since you walked down the stairs

And I see you go

I know you'll come back

And that is so

A sight to behold, more than a dream

Was the reality standing right next to me

I kept silent, knowing my place

I kept moving, following your pace

Three and three, we then see

A great many peoples on the seats

Thus walking up those pearly gates

Looking down, a green escape

The trench of long awaiting for me

We pause to catch our breath

And we sit down

Listening to nature's sounds

As arms then wrapped around me

Engulfing me in all their glory

I sat back and felt the show

Thinking, "God, I thank you so."

The treetops cheer and sing with me

When they know what's in store for thee

All roads end, as all roads lose

We sit down at the end of the route

As fleeting cross into the divine

I dreamt of thoughts of past times

Lights move out and see me through

Pictures flash, as on cue

I remember a past time

When even I thought it was divine

I know now what is true

What is now, as foretolds yield

What is so real, the sense ignite

Primal achievements that are fine

Wait, no, something's wrong

A cry, a sniffle, oh, so strong

Someone felt the same as me

The feelings gush out, worse than thee

A heart sank, a grief pang

Oh damnit, what the dang.

Time to comfort, time to scream

I will be there, as so it seems

Fret not, fear not

For fear is there, without God

Time shall pass, as you may see

Whatever I say, one day it'll make you free

So we climb up the hill

To some place called silent hill

Where no one is here to sit with us

Except the ants, who want their lunch

The sun shines high and so we must

And we will walk away from thus

Bought a drink

And sat to drink

We wait along the seats

To sing

A surprise I thought I'd never get

You gave it to me, yet in that

Along Fable's road we seem to play

A road we walk uphill again

Seeing the pant and the short breaths till

We walk down again as a hill

And we realise, it's wrong for real

And walk back up and we see a trail

We follow it down, worrying no frail

It's not lighted

Yet it's not night

We should be safe

When the sun is in the sky

And a meal for us

With cheese to bring

Kids and unkids

Their bodies' bids

Monster time

Monster rhyme

Decide not where to go

We climb back up to darkness moor

Upon a log we sat on three

We fought so much for pages three

One gave in on a promise

Not to read in front of monster's senses

Then we moved to planes afar

Jettisoned souls, to Hong Kong depart

We sit and watch

Listening to sounds

And doing what friends

Could never have done

Time for home

And anxiety reigns

And calms the night

Which roars a pain

Fear and trembles

Inside you reign

Calm a story

And it must be told

For the sake

We must behold

Hope it's fine

Through the night

Magical daylights light up my night.

Venite Adoremus;

Venite Adoremus;

Christ the Lord.

Kinda had a good Christmas this year.